The Black Hole

This is the first time I have been sick in a long time.  I was always the one making sure I was healthy so I could take care of my sick husband.  It’s very rare that I get sick, but when I do, it hits pretty hard.  I’ve been glued to the couch for the past four days with nausea, vomiting, migraines and dehydration.  I am shaking, I am weak and I am crying.  Uncontrollably.

It’s times like these that I miss that companionship of my husband that vowed to be there in sickness and in health.  Although I am very private when I am sick (I don’t want anyone holding my hair back or listening to me wretch), these past four days I have come to the realization of just how alone I am.  I’m a big baby.  I don’t like being alone when I am sick.

For four days, I have not had the strength to lift my head, to walk to the kitchen, or try to eat.  This has definitely stalled my rebound.  I’ve also had four days to wallow in self-pity and mourn the loss of my husband as I lie here alone on the couch….and oh yeah, dragging to the door to let the dogs out because they’ve been whining at an ear piercing decibel for I don’t even know how long now.

I feel I am being swallowed by a black hole of sadness and I can’t fight my way out.  I can’t see beyond the ceramic throne….let alone try to see the glory of HIS thrown through this loss.

I’ve arrived at a dangerous place of loneliness, heartache, anxiety and grief.  I need to stay busy, but I physically can’t.  I know I need to keep moving, keep reaching, keep believing….but I am exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I begged God last night for just a glimpse of Heaven….just a glimpse of my husband.  Please, just a peak so I can know that all I am going through is not in vain.  And…..Nothing.  Just floating on my back in that black hole.  I am fighting with everything I’ve got to keep moving forward.  How long will I feel like I am sinking?

I began to stare at pictures of the Black Hole. My mind wandered aimlessly trying to figure out where that black hole lead to.  After quite some time, I noticed that my focus had unintentially shifted from the darkness of the hole to the beauty of the stars encompassing it.  Even at the darkest part of the center, the hole is surrounded by shimmering lights.  Hope.  Maybe if I keep treading long enough I will float back to the surface and see the lights.  I want to see the lights.  I need to see the lights.

Maybe you are like me, and you’ve been focusing on the darkness.  Everything you’ve lost. Everything that has been broken.  Everything that has been taken.  Everything that seems out of reach.  Grief can take us down a dangerous path of isolation, loneliness, depression and despair.  But we must keep treading.  We must keep moving toward the light.  I refuse to give up even when my heart can’t take anymore.  I need to be surrounded by the light.

When I finally get to the top of this sinkhole, I will look back and see the beauty of your light that was surrounding me.  Lord, keep me from sinking.  Help me keep my eyes on You so I can rest in your light.

All My Love,

Stina-B

Author: Stina-B

Christina is a missionary, adventure seeker, singer/songwriter, devoted mother and caregiver. She lives to help others and advocates for caregivers of those battling cancer. Christina is sharing her story from the perspective of a caregiver, wife, mother and now....widow.

4 thoughts on “The Black Hole”

  1. I know it feels like it, but you are never alone. God is always with you even when you’re gathered around the ‘ceramic throne’. I’m so glad you began to focus on the light of the stars instead of the blackness. God created them for us to light our way and remind us that he is all around us. Never give up. Never lose HOPE. Love ya.

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